GAY PEOPLE'S CHRONICLE JUNE 20, 1997

BIG TIPS

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that? What's going on?"

by M.T. "the Big Tipper” Martone

For over ten years, I've been teasing my friend about the time she shaved herself bald after being dropped by a girlfriend. Well, not completely bald. She left a patch on the top that made her look like she had a muskrat on her head. In what way could this have been consoling to her?

It all became clear to me, however, this past week after being mysteriously and unceremoniously dumped. (After a fabulous date too, I might add. Why? Why? Why?) At the venerable age of 32, I felt compelled to get my tongue pierced and dye my hair purple. Now, granted, I already have a piercing or two, and my hair has historically put Crayola's box of 64 to shame, but the past few years has seen me tone it down, and I've only been doing my hair on the occasions when dye is on sale at my grocery store.

So, why? It just felt so good to do something concrete and visible when something else seemed out of my control. And if I get that big interview with Microsoft (uh, yeah), I can just dye the hair brown, talk with my teeth clenched, and be silently grateful that I didn't tattoo SHE'S A JERK across my forehead.

Dear Big Tipper,

My lover always has to pee at least once during the movies, and then when she comes back, she wants me to catch her up on everything that's happened while she was gone. I wouldn't mind it if this was just once in a while, but it happens every time we go out, and sometimes more than once in the same movie. I inevitably miss something exciting while I'm telling her, and people get mad that we're talking. Any ideas?

Dear Talkies,

Flicks Chicks

Since when am I short of ideas?

1. No more Big Gulps, or chicken-bucketsized sodas. ("Hey, there's a wing in the bottom of my Mountain Dew!")

2. When she comes back, look confused, and say you have no idea what's going on either.

3. Only go to revivals of classics, so you both already know what happens, or to kids' movies, so you're the quietest ones in the theater.

4. Stick your hand up her shirt and distract her. (This is not the wisest strategy in combination with attending a kids' movie.)

5. Just rent and stay at home. This is a good way to catch up on the movies you missed because you were making out in the theater. Then again, since you're on the couch now, you could really spread out...hmm. Happy viewing.

Dear Big Tipper,

My roommate "broke up" with his boyfriend about a month ago, but they're still "friends." Every time I walk into the house, they're on the couch making out. I don't think they've stopped having sex, either. They really like each other, and only broke up because their couples therapist said their communication skills weren't very good. Doesn't this seem crazy?

No Evident Heartbreak

Dear Broken Up About It,

It certainly seems like they're not communicating with the therapist very well. Dear Big Tipper,

Every morning, I get a bear claw and a coffee at this donut shop on my way to work. There's a guy who works there several days a week, and every time I see him, I just smile. He's always really friendly to me, and sometimes he doesn't charge me for my stuff.

We're probably about the same age, and once I went early and sat at the counter, and we talked for a few minutes until it got too busy. I don't know if he's gay, but he might be, and he's never mentioned a girlfriend, even when he's talked about weekend plans and stuff. I could be wrong, but I think he's happy to see me too when I come in. What should I do?

Dear Creme Filled,

Dark, Two Sugars

Here's the thing. If you were a dyke, I'd tell you to suck it up and ask for a date. Since you're a guy, and men can be a little more hostile upon being mistakenly perceived as gay, I'd say ask him if he'd like to "hang out" some time.

Get some tickets for some event and see if he'll go, and when you're out of the donut shop, ask leading questions. Is he dating? If he is, the gender of his partner will probably come out. If he's not and he's being civilized, when the event is over tell him you had a nice time, and come clean. Drop him off, and as he just gets out of the car, tell him you'd like to ask him out. If he's cool, you may have a date or a new friend. If he's not, you can just peel out, and look for a new donut shop. Good luck.

♡

Send your burning questions on life and love to M.T. Martone, care of the Chronicle, P.O. Box 5426, Cleveland, Ohio 44101, or fax to 216-631-1052, or e-mail to martone@drizzle.com.

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